Mommy, why are you so mad at me? he asked quietly, glancing up at me from his jam sandwich.
I stopped storming around the kitchen, feeling like a knife had just been plunged into my heart. I looked at his sweet face, so earnest and hurt, filled with confusion as to what he had done wrong. It wasn't his fault. None of this is his fault. Yet he was the unintentional recipient of my anger.
I dropped to my knees in front of him and took his little face in my hands. I looked deep into his eyes and apologized to him from the depths of my soul.
I'm not mad at you, I reassured him, knowing full well that my actions had been communicating exactly the opposite. I'm so sorry, my Angel. You didn't do anything wrong.
OK, Mommy, he replied, everything already forgotten. I love you. Can I have some apple juice?
Dear Lord, please make me worthy of this beautiful boy, whose light shines so bright and so pure.
[Note: My frustration with Bear not being able to sleep got the better of me tonight. I got my hopes up when he fell asleep at a decent time, only to have them dashed when he woke up an hour later. It was not my finest Mommy moment.]
Is it any wonder? Bear hasn't really gotten regular sleep in well over a week. Neither have you for that matter. It's hard to control your emotional well-being when you're sleep deprived.
ReplyDeleteI'm still trying to think of things you could try to get him to sleep... When he's in a calm moment, you know that time when you really see him shine through the ODD and the anxiety and everything else... When he's in that moment, ask him about his room. Is it too hot? Is it too cold? (My husband and one of my brothers sleep with the window open a crack in the middle of winter... Well, my husband would if he could...) Something so simple could make a difference in his sleep.
I'm sure you've turned off the TV's for about an hour before bed, but what if you played slow soft classical music? Just to relax and ease the anxiety of the change from daytime to bedtime... Maybe even as low white noise until he falls asleep?
How did your appointment go yesterday? (I know you'll share when you're ready... but I'm curious. I hope you got some good advice and support...)
Maybe, in this really difficult sleepless time, you could tap someone who is close to you to relieve you for a night? You go sleep in their spare bed, and they stay up watching Bear for a night. Go figure, it'll probably be the night he actually goes to sleep! Either way you get a sound night's sleep, and they are ready to face a long night.
You are such a great mom. I raise my glass to you. You may have moments where you feel completely out of your depth or worse, like a complete failure as a mom. Please remember that we all have our moments, the ones where we fall flat on our faces (and hard!) and the ones where (and only by the grace of God) we somehow managed to shine. I don't know many of your moments, but I'll point out one I know - your family gathering when Bear rushed off to play with his cousins. Hold on to that right now. If I know anything about his mom, he'll have more! ;)
Thanks for all your thoughts, Johanne. Bear has had major problems with sleep since he was an infant, so we've tried pretty much everything. Our appointment ended up being cancelled due to poor weather, but it was rescheduled for this Wednesday.
Deleteoh friend...
ReplyDeleteWe all...ALL OF US have moments like this. You're not a bad mom. He knows that he loves you with everything you've got.
Don't you hate it when I throw your own words back at you? ;-)
DeleteMy favorite part about this blog is the how it demonstrates the good communication and relationship you have with your son. He knows by your body language that you were having a tough go, he came to you and essentially asked you what was wrong and when you reassured him, he was positive and moved on. That speaks volumes to me. This post also made me feel more human as a mom. I also have bad days and feel guilty that my children will be negatively effected. In the end- we're all human and it's about the positivity and great bonds we create with them the other 95% of the time!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lindsay. I like your take on things. I like to think it's a good sign that he's comfortable asking me what's going on, and it's also made me a little more aware of the signals I'm sending out.
DeleteBeen there, done that. D asked that question of me, too. Thanks for sharing. It makes me feel better.
ReplyDeleteI've heard a lot of "been there, done that" with this blog. Nice to know I'm not the only one.
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