tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51871083818784340062024-03-15T05:52:44.999-04:00The ODD MomLoving, laughing, and living with an ADHD/ODD child.Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.comBlogger101125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-86821071143902669072014-03-24T12:30:00.000-04:002014-03-24T12:30:15.590-04:00I'm Not Alone, and Neither Are YouI know it sounds crazy, but I have no great urge to blog when things are going well with Bear. I know, I know...you'd all love to hear the good stories, the stories that give you hope that things will get better for you and your kids. Here's the thing, though. My blog is where I come to scream and to cry, to vent and to laugh. It's where I get everything off my chest so that I can keep going, because some days I'm not sure I can.<br />
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Today was one of those days. Things with Bear have been getting rougher and rougher for months, and I've thought of sitting down and writing a number of times, but every time I thought about it, it just seemed like one more thing I <em>had</em> to do. And let's face it, as special needs parents, there are a lot of things we <em>have</em> to do. Rarely do we get time to do the things we actually <em>want</em> to do.<br />
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Today has been so bad, however (and for the record, it's only 10:00 a.m.), that I turned straight to my blog. Here's how my morning went, in a nutshell. Bear's anxiety was so bad that I had to pin him down and dress him, after which TheODDDad had to carry him out to the van. Once at school, it took two EAs to peel his arms from around my legs so I could leave. I literally ran out of the school sobbing and then sat in the parking lot because I was crying too hard to drive. Then I drove home to pick up Stitch, who was at home with Daddy, and took him to daycare where my normally daycare-loving child proceeded to wrap his arms around my neck and cry when I tried to hand him over. By the time I got home, I was an emotional wreck.<br />
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My plan when I sat down to write had been to scream and cry and vent. I really didn't anticipate any laughing. Not today. But here's what happened instead. I started reading the comments that readers have left over the past few months and, as I did, I felt my shoulders begin to straighten, my head start to clear, and my spirits begin to lift. I was reminded that I'm not alone in this journey and that there are people out there who know exactly what I'm going through. They understand the euphoria when things are going well and the devastation...the utter devastation...when things go horribly wrong.<br />
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Because your comments helped me so much, I thought I would share some of them. After all, if they lifted me up, they might do the same thing for you. So here it goes...<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I am slowly coming to
grips with the part about being a parent of a child with mental illness... and
it’s not easy. Helps to know there are others out there, too.</i><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">As much as I never
wish this on anyone else, I am comforted feeling I am not alone in this
struggle. Over time certain behaviors may lessen, but we are finding new ones
emerge. My son is 13 (ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, ODD). He no longer melts down
for 2 hours at a time, but his school and social issues persist. He is failing
most of his subjects and talks about dropping out of school. He is an extremely
bright kid and has endless potential. We are just hoping we can find a way to
tap into it. I embrace all of you facing this tremendous life-altering experience
of parenting a child with ADHD. I wish all of us and especially our beloved
children peace and happiness.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Everything I have read
so far is MY life. I am actually on antidepressants now because of the constant
struggles and every waking minute battles with my ADHD/ODD/OCD son. It feels
wonderful to know that I am not alone and that I am not imagining that my life
is a constant battle.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I feel as if I am
living a nightmare with my child. She is severely ADHD, with anxiety and mild
ODD. I feel like the worst parent at times and am so frustrated by those other
parents who judge my child and ask me "What's wrong with her?"<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My son was diagnosed
ADHD/ODD when he was 5 and let me tell you, everything you wrote under The ODD
Child tab hit home. He is now 14 and doing better at using his tools that he
learned from counselling and us to take control and not let it control him.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My son has ADHD and
ODD as well, and I REALLY wish I had found something like these blogs and
websites when my son was first diagnosed!! I was alone in a new town with
family over an hour away, so I had no help and no support system, which
amplified the struggle, and diminished my "taking care of me" time.
Anyway, I realize I am not alone, and am NOT A BAD parent, but at that time, I
wasn't so sure.... My son is 11 now, and things are better, but we are still
not without our struggles! I really HAVE to keep reminding myself that he
doesn't do this on purpose and it's not personal!! Thank you so much for that
reminder! <o:p></o:p></i></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My son, who is 6 with
ADHD and ODD just like yours, has had some serious regression in the last couple
of days. I am home today from work because I simply do not have it in me to go
and work with those kids at school. They deserve me at my best, and today I am
not. I will cry today.... but I will get back up. That is what I do too. Thank
you for letting me know I am not alone.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I cannot tell you how
timely finding your blog is for me. I am you. I am dealing with an adhd/odd
five year old boy and the people who I need their support the most, they have
repeatedly told me.... today even....after a meltdown of his (and mine... from
sheer exhaustion of emotional resources) that I am doing everything wrong, and that
I need to be better. I am a teacher. I know how to deal with a class of 23
unruly kindergarteners.... how am I failing so deeply with my own son?! Today
has been a tough day. Most days are. But despite, I am the positive shiny
person that everyone but my family seems to see.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I often think about
you and what a really great, kind, funny, intelligent person you are and that
for me is proof that you get what you get in terms of kids. You don't get to
choose their temperament. I often beat myself up about having created an 'out
of control kid' - I mean my husband and I are pretty strong personalities and
we could definitely work on improving our own emotional regulation at times -
but I know that isn't the whole story. My daughter was pretty unique from the
day she was born: long overdue, in distress and screaming bloody murder. The
screaming didn't stop for 5 months. The midwives called her 'cross'. Her
grandparents said she definitely knew her own mind. She was 'the girl with the
curl'. I read every book and tried every approach we could find but we just
couldn't seem to help her. It was tearing our family apart. Then I read your
post about ODD and thought 'That sounds just like my daughter but she only ever
does that at home. She's an angel at school.' Then early this year it spilled
over into school for the first time - a 45 minute meltdown in front of the
principal's office - and no one even tried to help. Her very young and
inexperienced teacher walked right past us! The next day I went to our
pediatrician and shared the story I'd been embarrassed to tell (she'd already
been diagnosed with cyclical vomiting and anxiety). I mean, I'm a teacher, I
know how to discipline a class of crazy teenage boys, how could I not help my
own 5 year old daughter? Long story short, we now see an amazing child
psychologist who has made so much progress with her. I like to think that all
the hard work we're doing now will pay off later.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
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Last, but not least, is this one. In fact, I think this
might be one of my favourite comments ever. From judgemental super-mom and
special education teacher to mom of a “naughty,” and all with a sense of
humour. </div>
<o:p> </o:p><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I think I just found
my new best friend, although you don't even know it yet :) ! I have just spent
a couple of hours reading through some of your posts. I can not tell you how
awestruck I am about stumbling upon my own thoughts and life written with in the
pages of your blog! God is GOOD! I AM NOT ALONE! But my story is a little
unique because I have literally lived the life of the “I KNOW I'm a good Mom.
Just look at my kids, well behaved...always, great students, kind, popular,
EASY.” I was the Parent/Teacher organization president. I was the school board
president. I was the mom muttering in my head about the "moms of the
naughties." I knew if you would just give me a chance with your kid, I
could get him in line, after all look at my kids and I was a special education
teacher. Our friends told us our kids were not "normal" and that we
had NO idea how hard parenting could be. We didn't believe them, we thought
that you just had to be clear with your expectations and consistent with your
consequences and pray for the Lord's guidance, and all would be so easy for you
too. Honestly, this I exactly how I thought! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And then, 16 years
later, came BEN! Our beautiful blond haired, bright eyed ball of fire! God is
FUNNY! Our friends are morbidly satisfied! NOW you know, they say. AND THEY ARE
RIGHT! Ben is 7 1/2 and in the second grade and is every bit as ADHD and ODD as
Bear. Here we are back at the same school, with some of the same teachers, who
knew us as the "other parents" now suddenly on the side of the
"naughties". Now when we walk into school the staff looks at us with
their jaws on the floor, shaking their heads in disbelief. We have been through
more meds, counseling sessions, neurofeedback...that I feel like an expert with
all the knowledge and science on these conditions but with little know how on
how to REALLY HELP MY SON! I know the judgement that comes from the bystanders
because I was one of them! I know how fun and easy parenting can be but I also
live how lonely, exhausting and overwhelming it can be. THANK YOU for your
honest feelings and your love for Bear. It is not easy being a parent of an ODD
child but how frustrating it is for our boys! I can not even imagine the pain
that goes through their little brains when they are asked and expected to do
something they are completely not wired for and then have adults, like the
former me, totally not get it! I could go on forever but I'll stop now, but
just know you have one more mom who "gets" you, and is walking a
similar journey. ONE DAY AT A TIME!<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<br />
As one commenter wrote, as much as I would never wish this on anyone, I am comforted by the knowledge that I'm not alone in this struggle. I am not alone, and neither are you, and for that I will be eternally grateful.<br />
<br />
Update: I received an email from Bear's EA telling me that he's having a great morning. In fact, he started talking to her about attending college and his uncertainty about what he would study. Life as a special-needs parent is never dull!<br />
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<br />Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com102tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-26628348050065114112013-07-24T13:05:00.002-04:002013-07-24T13:05:38.512-04:00Taking the Time to be a Happy MamaA few weeks ago I had the opportunity to attend the 2nd annual <a href="http://if-mama-aint-happy.com/" target="_blank">Happy Mama Conference and Retreat</a> in Raleigh, North Carolina. What, you ask, is the Happy Mama Conference and Retreat? It's the brainchild of some great special needs mamas of kids with invisible disabilities (ADHD, ODD, ASD, OCD, FASD, etc...) who decided it would be a hoot to get together for the weekend with a bunch of other special needs mamas...and they were right! It was a great time!<br />
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One of the highlights for me was that I managed to convince one of my best friends, who just happens to be a special needs mom herself, to come with me. When was the last time you spent two days with one of your best friends? I know, right? That's worth the price of admission right there! Just look at these pictures...how happy do I look????<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXnMY158Egc-DAtzdbWPEEoTODSCkOIh7FXrq1iN9xvTa-hJcRsR5vPnEyGxq6yzFmhGZOWom_oxfor8SNUALy-fUlW8fd6BqLVPr58zwdOv5G80reI-zByWT8ioLkxoXr-oQfmxwLfzY/s1600/IMG_2298.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXnMY158Egc-DAtzdbWPEEoTODSCkOIh7FXrq1iN9xvTa-hJcRsR5vPnEyGxq6yzFmhGZOWom_oxfor8SNUALy-fUlW8fd6BqLVPr58zwdOv5G80reI-zByWT8ioLkxoXr-oQfmxwLfzY/s320/IMG_2298.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">A selfie in my hotel room. Look...no bags under my eyes!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Amazing what a good night's sleep and a long nap can do.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLyf1hBQQVi7H_zyKUaUzwlKLX0YK3xxpaZ61-8D4Tb8WNSrLdCHh4oYQJNw0Y_nQE9uhrM57EIcPQDlsjYk-jdpJVxGSQvGdijhXxcmF36CMGtTcsoDQC5IeyOW5txJV3PohFMErFUQ4/s1600/IMG_2305.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLyf1hBQQVi7H_zyKUaUzwlKLX0YK3xxpaZ61-8D4Tb8WNSrLdCHh4oYQJNw0Y_nQE9uhrM57EIcPQDlsjYk-jdpJVxGSQvGdijhXxcmF36CMGtTcsoDQC5IeyOW5txJV3PohFMErFUQ4/s320/IMG_2305.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Cheese! Smile big big for the selfie, Allison Downey!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiROEGkN1QUaVl-ibgT5wJNO9M1_9CgVOURp4vJDx5eVM23Ls00Jz1kEh0T4J-riUHsl8AcMfJ0SqIWkpnuMeEX0lP2yQcbKZNvlfz0cr3U1xVSZL5tJc15rKxC-2WwIJp6MoVOUZ2JIXg/s1600/IMG_2306.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiROEGkN1QUaVl-ibgT5wJNO9M1_9CgVOURp4vJDx5eVM23Ls00Jz1kEh0T4J-riUHsl8AcMfJ0SqIWkpnuMeEX0lP2yQcbKZNvlfz0cr3U1xVSZL5tJc15rKxC-2WwIJp6MoVOUZ2JIXg/s320/IMG_2306.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">We liked that first one so much, we took another one!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_LbR0HzHFqazGd9bqPsyU1zNs4sdh63Ma5oEYeKsXMBEIeRLqEvkUBNF7v0bruJjJJjOsf7ksUi9mDXKc7NPTAugtYJpzMy5oCgAhXZsrx0a1jo54IugNRNaXa422e4TgL9T7r7BBLsg/s1600/IMG_2307.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_LbR0HzHFqazGd9bqPsyU1zNs4sdh63Ma5oEYeKsXMBEIeRLqEvkUBNF7v0bruJjJJjOsf7ksUi9mDXKc7NPTAugtYJpzMy5oCgAhXZsrx0a1jo54IugNRNaXa422e4TgL9T7r7BBLsg/s320/IMG_2307.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Now these are happy mamas!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFHenDAzCMUYP_qycLQUeghV57BmuIMmerYVTIgd-atTGLSyLG9as5FRdklt3l5MhpOK6Nlj6Aiw1j8gi_4CpDsRNf1sBUKCgJprXns6To5PFl75vsSY87tWEPPBn6_f0CIMtpXB3FKbI/s1600/IMG_2308.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFHenDAzCMUYP_qycLQUeghV57BmuIMmerYVTIgd-atTGLSyLG9as5FRdklt3l5MhpOK6Nlj6Aiw1j8gi_4CpDsRNf1sBUKCgJprXns6To5PFl75vsSY87tWEPPBn6_f0CIMtpXB3FKbI/s320/IMG_2308.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">I finally got to meet fellow blogger and special needs mama Adrienne Ehlert Bashista.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">She also happens to be one of the conference organizers.</span></div>
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If you were to ask me what I learned at the conference, I'd tell you not a whole lot. Now, don't get me wrong...there was a lot to be learned! The sessions were awesome, and I remember liking them all. I, however, have ADHD and am currently unmedicated, which means I can't remember a conversation I had 10 minutes ago, let alone an entire conference worth of stuff. What I will say, though, is that some stuff really, really resonated with me, and that's the stuff I remember.<br />
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Despite the fact that I had spent the money and taken the time to fly almost 1,500 km (or about 900 miles, for you non-metric people) to the conference (and abandoned my husband for the weekend with the children for the second time in a month), I still felt kind of guilty. The conference may be fairly inexpensive compared to other conferences, but it was still a lot of money for us. And while TheODDDad has hobbies that take him out of the house a few nights a week for months at a time, I've never had the kids to myself for an entire weekend. It seemed pretty one-sided...really one-sided...and a part of me felt unworthy.<br />
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And then came two sessions by Vikki Spencer, also known as <a href="http://www.momwhisperer.com/" target="_blank">The Mom Whisperer</a>. Vikki is a motivational speaker, a certified life coach, and best of all, a special needs mom. In a nutshell, she gets it. She gets the tendency, which I don't think is unique to special needs moms, to put everyone else's needs before our own. To feel guilty when we take time for ourselves, even if it's just going for a walk or locking the bathroom door and taking a bubble bath. (OK, for the record, I hate baths, but I know they work for some people.) Vikki's message was the importance of taking the time to look after ourselves, to indulge in self-care.<br />
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Vikki shared an analogy on how critical it is for us to "sharpen our saw," which I believe she said is a premise she took from Stephen Covey's <em>Seven Habits of Highly Effective People</em>. She explained it this way (I'm paraphrasing, but the fact that I remember even this much shows how deeply it resonated with me): A man goes for a walk in the woods one day and comes across a woodcutter hacking away at a tree. It's obvious to the man that the woodcutter's saw is dull, so he suggests that the woodcutter take a break to sharpen his saw. "I can't," says the woodcutter. "I need to get this done, so I don't have time to stop."<br />
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Of course, we all know that things would go much easier for the woodcutter if he took the time to sharpen his saw. The work would get done faster, the woodcutter wouldn't be as tired at the end of the job, and everyone would be happy. Maybe he'd even have a little time left over for himself... Happy, happy, joy, joy!!! <br />
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As special needs moms, we need to take time to sharpen our saws. We are happier and better able to deal with everything that our lives...or our children...throw at us if we look after ourselves. As Vikki pointed out, there's a reason why adults on airplanes are instructed to put their oxygen masks on first and <em>then</em> tend to their children. While maternal instinct tells us to look after our children first, we can't look after our children when we can't breathe. Ever get so stressed that you find it hard to breathe? Right...you get the point.<br />
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The big question, of course, is how to fund your self-care. A walk by yourself might be nice, but wouldn't a massage be nicer? Or dinner with friends? Or a date night? Or that cut and colour you've been wanting? Or going to the Happy Mama Conference? Sure, I went to the conference this year, but that's because we came into a little bit of money unexpectedly, so I used some of it for that. But the question of how to fund next year's conference...because not going is NOT an option...is a big question.<br />
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I have to admit that when I was listening to Vikki talk about the importance of self-care, I was inwardly rolling my eyes as I tried to figure out where the money was supposed to come from on a regular basis. In our house, extra money goes to groceries, savings, or debt repayment. On occasion it goes to a special date night, but the guilt that comes with that can be pretty hefty! It seems there's always somewhere else the money <em>should</em> have gone.<br />
<br />
Vikki, however, tackled that as well. She had some really great...and super easy...ways to find money. The thing is, though, that you have to change your mindset. You have to be willing to put that "found" money towards self-care, which means believing you're worth it. I know...that's the hard part. <br />
<br />
Vikki asked a really tough question: Would you hesitate to spend the extra money on that child you love so much? Probably not, right? Then you need to love yourself as much as you love your child. When I put that question to the parents in our support group the other night, we all agreed we would find a way to pay for our child's soccer, or birthday party, or therapy. But when it came to putting that money towards ourselves, somehow all the moms and dads were suddenly looking at the ground. Ouch...<br />
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So, where do you find the money. Here are some ideas she shared and some of my own:<br />
<ul>
<li>Does loose change tend to sit around in your house? Claim it! If there are any arguments, set a time limit. If it sits for more than 24 hours, it's yours. </li>
<li>Use coupons at the store and put the money you save aside.</li>
<li>Have breakfast for supper once a week. Pancakes and sausages are cheap and fun. Figure you save $5 or $10 a meal? Great...put it aside.</li>
<li>Buy your lunch during the week? Brown bag it once in a while and put the money aside.</li>
<li>Love your Timmies or your Starbucks? Forgo one a week and save the money.</li>
</ul>
I have to admit that not all of these ideas will work in my house. For one thing, I work from home, so there are no bought lunches here. I rarely hit Timmies or Starbucks, so there goes that. I do, however, see a lot of pancakes and sausages in my family's future. If I'm lucky, I may even find a coupon for them! Bonus!!!<br />
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<br />Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com123tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-55006416001326739932013-07-19T16:06:00.001-04:002013-07-19T16:06:08.163-04:00Better Safe than SorryThe weather this week has been pretty wild. It's been really hot and humid, and pretty much every day has brought a warning of severe thunderstorms. So far most stuff has gone around us, but today has us all watching the sky.<br />
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At this point, a good part of the province is under a tornado watch. Areas that the storm has already moved through have seen a fair bit of damage, although no tornados as of yet. Keep in mind that we don't really do tornados around here, so people are a little spooked. The sky is clear right now, but there's a major system moving our way that is supposed to hit towards early evening.<br />
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The fact that I have a bit of an anxiety thing and a bit of a weather phobia going on doesn't help. Add a tornado watch to the mix, and you have me checking the storm's progress about every 1/2 hour. Am I panicking? Heavens, no. But am I prepared? You bet. <br />
<br />
One thing I have to think about is my guys. Stitch is only three, and Bear isn't exactly a fan of bad weather. In fact, just losing power is enough to set him off, regardless of the weather. The school once had to call me because the power had gone out, resulting in Bear hurling himself at the glass doors of the school to get out. Granted, that was a few years ago, but let's just say that I'm not confident in his ability to stay calm should the weather turn really ugly.<br />
<br />
Thus, part of the preparation. We have a cold room in the basement right under our front steps that I'm fairly certain will keep us safe no matter what comes our way. Right outside of it, just casually sitting there, is a flashlight, some juice boxes, a cozy comforter, and a wind-up radio. I'll probably put the tablet down there, too, since Bear can play on it quite happily for hours. If things start to look bad, I'll probably sneak a teddy bear or two down there and anything else I think might come in handy.<br />
<br />
Anything to distract and calm--both me and him.<br />
<br />
Fingers crossed that this all amounts to nothing, but better safe than sorry.<br />
<br />
<br />
Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-11624997676294752612013-05-09T13:35:00.001-04:002013-05-09T13:35:12.251-04:00Toronto Zoo -- and Delta Hotels -- Here We Come!!!I'm absolutely giddy with excitement, and I'll bet you think you know why. Cause we're going to the Toronto Zoo, right? Wrong! Well, right...but still wrong. I know, I'm not making much sense right now, but I did warn you that I'm giddy with excitement!<br />
<br />
The story starts about two weeks ago, with an email from Bear's school. Their end-of-the-year class trip is coming up, and the school wasn't sure what to do about it. Three classes are headed by school bus to a large festival, which sounds like a lot of fun, but probably wouldn't be a good fit for Bear. For one, he's terrified of school buses, so a three-hour round trip probably wouldn't be a great idea. Second, this particular festival only runs for a few days, so it will attract every school for hundreds of miles. The result will be mass chaos -- very noisy chaos -- which, again, will not exactly add to poor Bear's enjoyment of the day.<br />
<br />
The school desperately wanted Bear to be able to participate in the trip because he's worked so hard this year, but they were torn because they weren't sure if it would be a good idea. Hence the email. What do you think, they asked? I had to admit that it sounded like way too much for him to handle, even if I tagged along. Instead, I suggested that I would keep him home that day and do something really special with him. The question was what to do that would be special enough to compensate for missing his trip.<br />
<br />
As it happened, TheODDDad came home that night and cheerfully announced that he had worked enough overtime to take a day off, but it had to be taken in the very near future. POOF!!! A light went off! (Or did it go on...and does a light make a "poof" sound? Maybe it does when you blow a bulb, which would mean the light went off. Anyway...I had an idea...) I suggested that he take off the day of Bear's trip and that way we could do something really fun just the three of us, which he was all for. From there the idea grew.<br />
<br />
By the time we finished brainstorming (which means me spending hours on the computer researching ideas and then reporting back), we were headed to Toronto with both boys to visit the Toronto Zoo. The <a href="https://www.deltahotels.com/Hotels/Delta-Toronto-East?calendar_arrive_date=0&calendar_depart_date=0&autocomplete_class_identifier=tbe_hotel&autocomplete_object_id=8342&lang=eng-US&start_date=&end_date=&arrive_date=&depart_date=&rooms_no=1&adults=1%3B1%3B1%3B1&children=0%3B0%3B0%3B0&promo_code_type=none&promo_code=&iata=&email=&search_keyword=Delta+Toronto+East%2C+Toronto%2C+Ontario" target="_blank">Delta Toronto East</a> has a package for under $200 that includes a one-night stay and entrance to the zoo for a family of four. I know, right??? They even have a pool and two waterslides -- a big one and a little one. Way cool!<br />
<br />
So now comes the good part. When I made the reservations, I requested an extra cot in the room. Bear and Stitch have never slept together, and I wasn't sure this was the night I wanted to try it out. I figured they'd sleep much better in separate beds, which would make for much happier children the next day. Turns out that an extra cot is $25. Ya...I don't think so.<br />
<br />
Instead I decided nothing ventured, nothing gained. In researching the hotel (because you know I have to research <em>everything</em>), I came across the name of the guest services manager, so I sent him an email. Here's what I wrote:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Hi Azhar,<br /><br />I just made a reservation at your hotel. My husband and I are treating our two sons to a day at the Toronto Zoo thanks to the great package you’re offering. My sons are 3 and 7, and my eldest has mild autism. My son’s end-of-school trip is that week, but they’re going somewhere that simply won’t be conducive to his needs. He’s worked so incredibly hard at school this year (his challenges make school extremely difficult for him) and we didn’t want him to feel left out, which is why we’re headed to Toronto.<br /><br />My son’s autism means that he’s extremely sensitive to noise and to touch, among other things. For this reason, I asked if we could have a cot in our room so that the kids don’t have to sleep in the same bed, but I was told it would be an extra $25. I was wondering if it might be possible to waive that fee. I’m not asking for a cot for convenience or because we’re squeezing an extra person into our room, but because my son is going to be overwhelmed enough from all the excitement and we need to make things as comfortable as possible for him in order for him to be able to function. I also wondered – and I realize this might be a little difficult to predict – if it would be possible to have a room on a quiet floor.<br /><br />I also thought I would mention that the menus for T.W’s Bar on the Delta web site aren’t working. My son has to eat gluten-free, so I was trying to see what kind of options might be available.<br /><br />Thanks so much for your help, Azhar. I look forward to hearing back from you.</blockquote>
<br />
My hope was that we would get the fee for the cot waived. If they were feeling really generous, maybe they'd go so far as to throw in an in-room movie. Instead, I received the following email this morning. Hang on to your hats.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Good Day Ms. Wright,</blockquote>
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I would like to take this opportunity and thank you for considering the
Delta Toronto East as your choice of accommodation in Toronto. I can personally
assure you that my team will do their very best to ensure you along with your
family have a truly relaxing and renewing experience.</blockquote>
</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Ms. Wright, I can understand the extra pressure on you as well as your son
during the school year and to reward him we have upgraded your reservation to a
beautiful 1 bedroom suite compliments of the hotel. While the bedroom has a king
size bed, it is equipped with a sofa bed in the living room and I will arrange
for an additional cot complimentary.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Thank you for bringing the menu section to my attention, I will follow-up
with our Food and Beverage manager however our culinary team would be delighted
to arrange a special Gluten Free meal for your son during any meal, simply
inform your server or order taker and our chef will work his magic.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If there is anything else we can do to make your stay more enjoyable please
feel free to contact me and I will be delighted to assist you. Hope you have a
wonderful day ahead.</blockquote>
<br />
<div>
As if that weren't enough, he emailed me a few minutes later to ask for the boys' names and their favourite snack, because "we want to do something special for them."</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
Funny, he thinks he's doing something special for them...he has no idea what he's just done for <em>us</em>.</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;">P.S. No, I wasn't compensated for this blog post. They have no idea I'm writing it -- I just wanted to draw attention to something really nice that someone has done for my family.</span></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
</div>
Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com59tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-35557473566133757362013-04-29T10:19:00.004-04:002013-04-29T10:19:30.271-04:00Calling all Exhausted Mamas!If you're the mom of an alphabet soup kid (ADHD, ODD, SPD, ASD, FASD, etc...), which I'm betting you are since you're reading this, then this post is for you. <br />
<br />
Consider this your friendly reminder that April 30th is the last day for early bird registration for the <a href="http://if-mama-aint-happy.com/2013-retreat/" target="_blank">Happy Mama Conference & Retreat</a>. What is the Happy Mama Conference and Retreat? I'm so glad you asked!<br />
<br />
Last year some very smart--and exhausted--special needs moms decided that there needed to be an opportunity for smart and exhausted special needs moms to get together to share their stories, learn a little bit, and laugh a lot. After all, who knows better than other special needs moms what it means to be a special needs mom. Hence, the Happy Mama Conference and Retreat.<br />
<br />
This year marks the second annual retreat, and yours truly is heading down to Raleigh, North Carolina to attend. (And for the record, I'm not being paid to write this. In fact, I wasn't even asked. In double fact, the organizers don't even know I'm doing this, but they can most certainly feel free to buy me a drink at the conference anyway!)<br />
<br />
This conference is truly for the exhausted mom whose attention span is non-existent. Check out Saturday's schedule:<br />
<br />
1/2 hour Welcome<br />
<strong>10 minute break</strong><br />
20 minute session<br />
<strong>20 minute break</strong><br />
20 minute session<br />
<strong>10 minute break</strong><br />
20 minute session<br />
45 minute group discussion<br />
<strong>1 hour lunch</strong><br />
40 minute session<br />
<strong>10 minute break</strong><br />
20 minute session<br />
<strong>3 hour spa</strong> <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Now this is a conference put together by moms who get it!!!!<br />
<br />
By the way, did I mention that the conference is only $145 if you book before May 1st? Granted, it only goes up by a whopping $20 after that, but still! Oh, and that includes lunch and supper on Saturday. If you stay at the Embassy Suites where the conference is being held, you get breakfast as well. There's also a Starbucks on site...bonus!!!! <br />
<br />
Check out the room I booked! I know...fancy, huh? Not bad for $109/night. I tell myself I'm going to take advantage of the pool and gym too, but I really foresee myself curling up in that bed with a good book. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://if-mama-aint-happy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/es_kingroom1_17_712x342_FitToBoxSmallDimension_Center.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="153" src="http://if-mama-aint-happy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/es_kingroom1_17_712x342_FitToBoxSmallDimension_Center.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
So, head on over to <a href="http://if-mama-aint-happy.com/2013-retreat/" target="_blank">The Happy Mama web site</a> and book your escape. Not that I don't love my husband and kids, but I will tell you quite honestly that I'm counting the days. I even get to fly on a plane! With a window seat! Whew hew!!! (Wow...I really need to get out more.)Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-15132051375359231582013-04-07T00:36:00.004-04:002013-04-07T00:36:46.822-04:00Avoiding the Tough Questions"Mom, what's Easter about?" Bear asked me one day a few weeks ago, without so much as looking up from what he was doing.<br />
<br />
"Wha...huh? Em...uh...well...that's a really good question, Bear," I stammered, totally taken aback and also really impressed. <br />
<br />
The problem was that I had no idea how to answer that question. I mean, I knew <em>what</em> the answer was, I just wasn't sure how to share that information with Bear without traumatizing him. Although we're a Christian family, Bear's issues have pretty much prevented us from attending church on a regular basis...or a semi-regular basis...or at all...so he hasn't been exposed to the darker side of the Christian story. Sure, I talk to Bear about God, but it's more the warm and fuzzy stuff. <br />
<br />
I could just see how this would go...<br />
<br />
"Well, Bear, you see, a very long time ago, Jesus -- you remember me telling you about him, right? -- and you've learned about him at school, right? -- you know, <em>Jesus?</em> (insert French accent because Bear goes to a French school) -- well, he's God's son. And there were a bunch of really bad men who didn't like him, so they decided to punish him and kill him. What? How did they kill him? Um...well...it's not very nice, but back then they nailed people to a really big cross, and they died there. Oh, don't look like that, Bear! It's OK, cause God knew it was going to happen. In fact, He planned it. Why did He plan it? Um...well...that's another really good question. No, you're right, it doesn't sound very nice. No, it doesn't make him sound like a very good father. But back then people had to sacrifice a lamb to get God's forgiveness for their sins. What does sacrifice mean? Um...well...they took the lamb and..."<br />
<br />
You get the point. I just didn't see this ending well. So I pretty much took the coward's way out. <br />
<br />
"At Easter we celebrate God and Jesus," I told him. Short and sweet. <br />
<br />
"Oh, like a birthday?" he asked.<br />
<br />
"Nope, Christmas is Jesus' birthday. At Easter we just...um...celebrate them."<br />
<br />
"Oh, OK." <br />
<br />
Then it occurred to me that surely they're teaching him about Easter at school. It was the week before Easter and Bear goes to a Catholic school. Surely they've figured out how to talk to a 7 year old about Easter. <br />
<br />
"What are they teaching you about Easter at school, Bud?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"Huh?" he asked, looking up from his game. "Uh...um...I don't know," he said, looking back down.<br />
<br />
Obviously they hadn't said anything too traumatizing, so I let the subject drop. OK, then...let's just leave it there and be happy we got off easy this time.Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-88493620785826902932013-04-04T22:04:00.000-04:002013-04-04T22:04:39.672-04:00You're Stuck with Me!I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who reached out to me to share how much this blog has meant to them. You told me how I made you laugh until you cried, made you cry through your laughter, reassured you that you weren't alone, encouraged you to keep fighting, comforted you when things got tough, inspired you to reach out in your own community and, most importantly, helped you to be better parents. You told me that you needed me, that you would miss me, and that I still had work to do.<br />
<br />
Your words encouraged me, inspired me, made me smile, and even made me cry. You reminded me that the next steps in a journey don't cancel out the previous steps, they build on them, ultimately adding to the experience. What diagnosis is given to Bear or what I choose to call myself doesn't take away from what I've learned along the way and how it has shaped me. If anything, it adds to what I have to offer the world through my words. <br />
<br />
So this is me -- The ODD Mom.<br />
<br />
It's who I am.<br />
<br />
It's who I'm proud to be. <br />
<br />
Thanks for reminding me. I'm grateful. Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com104tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-35630235317679518462013-03-19T12:45:00.000-04:002013-03-19T12:45:40.706-04:00Identity CrisisIn case you're wondering, yes, I'm still here. I can't tell you how many posts I've started over the past few months and abandoned. The reasons for this are numerous, but part of the reason is that this blog is starting to feel like a sham. <br />
<br />
You see, when I first started blogging, we were in crisis mode with Bear. Every day was a new challenge, and I needed somewhere to share what I was going through. This blog gave me a place to do that, and you all helped me see that I wasn't alone. The bonus was that I was able to help others while I helped myself.<br />
<br />
The last few months, however, have brought some much needed relief to our household, along with some surprises. It has been smooth sailing with Bear for ages, to the point that I don't really have anything to write about. The ODD behaviour seems to have disappeared, but that's kind of what I used to write about.<br />
<br />
Just last month a psychologist with our school board spent two days with Bear, and her findings were kind of surprising...although they probably shouldn't have been. She diagnosed Bear with Aspergers (a form of autism), which explains a lot of his anxiety and behaviours. She removed the diagnosis of ODD because she feels that a lot of his ODD-like behaviour was due to his Aspergers. That makes total sense, but it leaves me with a bit of a dilemma.<br />
<br />
I'm The ODD Mom. It's who I've become over the past few years. It's how I've come to see myself, in many respects. If Bear no longer has ODD and I no longer have anything to write about in this blog, what happens to The ODD Mom and this blog? I'm just not sure...Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-78774392733038553722013-02-12T09:38:00.001-05:002013-02-12T09:38:25.447-05:00Let's Give Them Something To Talk About -- Bell Let's Talk DayIt's Bell Let's Talk Day in Canada, and it's a great opportunity to get the conversation going about children's mental illness. As parents, we're so very hesitant to share with people that our children have mental health problems. But why is that? <br />
<br />
For one thing, we're afraid that they won't understand. Fair enough, they might not. But how is not talking about it going to help change that?<br />
<br />
Secondly, we're afraid people might judge us or our children. Another good point. But let's be honest here -- children with mental illnesses that manifest outwardly in bad behaviour simply look like brats to the outside world and we, their parents, look lazy and negligent. Ergo, we're already being judged. So once again, how is not talking about it going to help? <br />
<br />
Third, the term "mental illness" is pretty damn scary. It calls to mind the mental institutions of old and images of sociopaths and other people society says we should be afraid of. But are those images accurate, or are we buying into the very stigma we need to fight? <br />
<br />
The fact remains that 1 in 5 children will suffer from a mental illness at some point, and not talking about it isn't going to make it go away. What it will do, however, is continue to alienate them and the people who love them. <br />
<br />
Ask yourself this. If 1 in 5 children has a mental illness, why do so many parents feel alone? Answer? Because nobody talks about it.<br />
<br />
So here's what I'm proposing. What if rather than hiding from it, we talked about it? What if rather than being embarrassed about it, we educated people about it? What if rather than complaining about it, we did something about it? <br />
<br />
As scary as it can be, I don’t think we’re going to change the perception of mental illness unless we embrace it.<br />
<br />
Who's with me?<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Note: This is a slightly revised version of a post I put up last year.</span> <br />
<br />Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-75582384887215694362013-01-29T20:52:00.005-05:002013-01-29T20:52:47.352-05:00Message to an ODD GrandmotherThe other day I received a beautiful email that touched my heart, and I wanted to share it with you.<br />
<br />
<div dir="ltr">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<em>Hello ODD Mom...thank you so much for doing this blog...my daughter
is coping with an ODD 7 yr. old boy and I feel so helpless to help her. I look
forward to getting your blog and getting some insight on this condition. God
Bless you for your help! Nana</em></blockquote>
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Dear Nana,</div>
<div dir="ltr">
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Thank you so much for your beautiful email -- your love for your daughter and your grandson shines through. Having a child with mental health issues can be extremely lonely. Many parents don't have anyone to talk to about it or someone who understands what they're going through. Although you may feel helpless to help your daughter, I want to tell you that you're not. You may not be able to make everything all better for her, which as a mother I know you want to do, but you can do more than you think. </div>
<ul dir="ltr">
<li><div>
Tell her you love her.</div>
</li>
<li><div>
Tell her you're proud of her.</div>
</li>
<li><div>
Tell her she's a good mother.</div>
</li>
<li><div>
Share positive things about your grandson with your daughter. Parents of children with ODD don't often hear a whole lot of nice things about their children, but every parent needs to. Does he have a kind smile? An infectious laugh? A curious nature? A great sense of humour? A great imagination? Is he smart? Is he good with animals? Is he patient with a younger sibling? Does he notice things other people miss? The possibilities are endless, even if you have to get creative.</div>
</li>
<li><div>
Ask her what you can do to help -- come prepared with ideas. Having a child with ODD can make even everyday tasks difficult. Can you pick up groceries every now and then? Can you provide a casserole for the family to eat every couple of weeks so she doesn't have to cook? Can you help clean the house once in a while? Can you take the other kids to their activities or pick them up after school?</div>
</li>
<li><div>
Offer to take your grandson off her hands for an hour, even if it's only long enough for her to go to the library, get her hair cut, have a nap, or do the groceries. If you can handle him for two hours, then rent a movie, pop some popcorn, and spend some time with him.</div>
</li>
<li><div>
Listen to her when she needs to talk.</div>
</li>
<li><div>
Respect her decisions. If she tells you that a certain behaviour needs to be treated a certain way, do it. If she asks you not to feed him a certain food because she's noticed it sets him off, believe her.</div>
</li>
<li><div>
Invite the whole family over for dinner but make sure it's a relaxing time, not a stressful event. Set the kids up in front of the TV, feed them their favourite dinner, and allow your daughter to sit down for a quiet supper. Look after her for a few hours -- you'd be amazed how good that feels when you're spending all your energy on someone else.</div>
</li>
<li><div>
Love your grandson unconditionally. Tell him you love him and that you love spending time with him. Kids with ODD often have a hard time fitting in, and so that unconditional love is so important. Parents of children with ODD often feel that their children are unwelcome, so that unconditional love is important for them as well. (Note: Unconditional love doesn't mean letting your grandson get away with murder. Children with ODD may not take kindly to discipline, but they still need it.)</div>
</li>
</ul>
These ideas might seem small to you, but they can go a long way in helping your daughter and giving her strength on this journey. Trust me...I speak from experience.Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-36355148452350418602012-12-13T22:41:00.000-05:002012-12-13T22:41:26.356-05:00The Gluten ConspiracyDon't worry, I'm not about to go off on some tangent about how gluten is the devil and the government is covering it all up in order to subsidize wheat farmers. Gluten is the devil, however, at least when fed to my child.<br />
<br />
See, that's what all this has come down to. Well, not <em>all</em>, but at least the problems Bear has been having for the last few months. <br />
<br />
Let me back up a bit. When Bear was first diagnosed with ADHD and ODD in the spring of 2009 (is that all????), my very cautious family doctor wouldn't start him on meds until we had his heart tested. Off we trotted to the local medical lab for the test, the results of which prompted a phone call from our doctor. The tests had shown an abnormality and he was referring us to a pediatric heart specialist for further testing. We knew it would be six months to a year before we'd get into the specialist and then probably another few months before we'd get any meds sorted out, so we decided to visit a naturopath in the meantime. (For the record, Bear's heart was just fine. The machine had been calibrated for adults, not children, so his results were quite normal. Grrrrrr...)<br />
<br />
The naturopath suggested we test Bear for heavy metals and food sensitivities, so we did. Heavy metals came back normal, but the results of the food sensitivities showed that Bear was off-the-charts sensitive (no kidding...our naturopath had never seen results like this) for eggs, gluten, soy, sunflower, and casein. We eliminated everything and fed him nothing but water and grass for three weeks. Fine...kidding...but we did eliminate all the offending foods and stuck to that diet for over two years. The difference in Bear's behaviour was night and day. His aggression and defiance nosedived (nosedove?), and his ability to concentrate increased noticeably, all within a week. This was a whole new Bear. <br />
<br />
Every now and then over the course of the first year we would either test Bear with one of the offending foods or discover the hard way that he had eaten some of the forbidden fruit. (Don't believe me? Read <a href="http://theoddmom.blogspot.ca/2011/10/boy-granola-bar-and-suspension.html" target="_blank">A Boy, a Granola Bar, and a Suspension</a>.) He would immediately spiral back into days of aggression and meltdowns. We learned to cancel all plans and just ride it out. After the first year, we decided to just keep on truckin' with the diet -- no more trying to reintroduce anything.<br />
<br />
As it happened, we were at my in-laws this summer and they invited us to stay for dinner. As we hadn't planned on staying, we had nothing for Bear to eat. Oh well, we thought. We hadn't tested Bear on gluten in probably a year, so why not try him with a sandwich and see what happens. The poor little guy was in seventh heaven with his peanut butter and jam on white bread. <br />
<br />
The next day we waited for the big kaboom...and we waited...and we waited. So we gave him some more gluten. And we waited...and waited...and...nothing. We put everything back into his diet and we didn't notice any change in his behaviour. <em>Hallelujah!!!!</em> Suddenly, we were back to living like a semi-normal family. Bear ate like a horse; he put on pounds and grew inches. It was amazing. And still no problems.<br />
<br />
School started, and no problems. If anything, he was doing better than ever before. The teachers and administrators couldn't get over this "new" Bear.<br />
<br />
And then it started. The regression. A behaviour here. A behaviour there. About a week ago it became apparent that something needed to be done, so I called the doctor to get an appointment. Knowing it would probably be a few weeks (months?) before we could get in, The ODD Dad and I discussed putting Bear back on his diet. Should we? Shouldn't we? Would it help? Would he do it?<br />
<br />
So we did, except this time we only removed gluten. Bear had the worst reaction to gluten, so we figured we'd start there. Within five days, Bear had re-emerged from under the cloud of anger and aggression he'd been living under for weeks (months?). My Bear. My sweet Bear. My loving Bear. My funny Bear. My precious Bear. My baby Bear. <br />
<br />
He's back.<br />
<br />
I missed him.Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-61474880300606336222012-12-03T16:22:00.002-05:002012-12-03T16:22:43.483-05:00Forget the Recession -- Let's Talk Regression<div style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;">
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<br />
<br />
There's no denying that recessions are bad things, but I'm willing to bet that the "R" word that really strikes fear into the heart of the ADHD/ODD parent (or any other parent whose child has a mental illness, for that matter) is a different one. <br />
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Forget the recession...let's talk regression. Regression starts slowly, with a few long-forgotten behaviours.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.autismsocialstories.com/howto/422568_kids_revolution_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" id="il_fi" src="http://www.autismsocialstories.com/howto/422568_kids_revolution_1.jpg" style="padding-bottom: 8px; padding-right: 8px; padding-top: 8px;" width="300" /></a>"Wow!" you say to yourself or to your partner, "We haven't had to deal with <em>that</em> in a long time. Remember when that was an everyday occurrence?" And you smugly pat yourself on the back for having gotten your child past that stage without having smothered the little darling in the middle of the night.<br />
<br />
And then another behaviour rears its ugly head. Or perhaps you see that first behaviour more often, and you begin to wonder what's going on.<br />
<br />
But the behaviour is sporadic, so you kind of forget about it in between episodes. Except you don't really forget about it, because you can't. Because you're the parent of a child with a mental illness, so the question about what's going on is always in the back of your mind. Because you analyze everything your child does...always...in an attempt to figure out which therapies are working and which ones aren't. And what helps and what doesn't. And what sets your child off and what doesn't. And what they can cope with today and what they can't. The watching, the waiting, the thinking...it never ends.<br />
<br />
And then one day you realize that life has gone back to "normal." Except it's your old normal, the one you thought you had left behind. And you realize you've been tiptoeing around your child for weeks, not knowing what's going to set off the explosion. And it feels as if everything you've done, worked on, researched, endured has been for nothing. That you're back at square one, with no idea where to go from here. <br />
<br />
This knowledge hits you when you're already exhausted from weeks of fighting and aggression, so it hits you like a punch in the stomach. And all you want to do is curl up in bed and cry, because you feel like you just don't have the energy to start all over again. I can tell you from personal experience that there are few things more disheartening than feeling like all the progress you've made over the months or years has suddenly gone out the window.<br />
<br />
I'm going back to bed now, where I may or may not cry. (There's a good chance I will.) But once my pity party is over, I'll get back up and start all over again. Because that's what I do. I'm the parent of a child with a mental illness. That's what we do.Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-83549253935255537752012-11-30T13:36:00.001-05:002012-11-30T13:36:25.332-05:00Thanks, Bitchy-Comment Leaver, for the ReminderEvery now and then, I'm reminded of just how important it is to keep speaking out about children's mental health, even if it's just to friends and family.<br />
<br />
This morning I found a bitchy comment on one of my posts, which is a first for me. I'd love to share it with you, but I deleted it by accident. I swear it was an accident! I was so flustered as the first words assaulted my eyes that I accidentally deleted it instead of opening it. Trust me, it would have been way more fun to have left it there and let you guys go to town!<br />
<br />
In a nutshell, RochelleL (yes, she left her name) slammed me as a negligent mother who is "pleased" with herself for having "helped create a tiny terror," a kid who has "trained mommy." The reason Bear is repeating grade 1 is all my fault because, after all, what kind of mother would allow her child to miss 60+ days of school. Gee, thanks for pointing that out, RochelleL. It isn't as if I wrote an entire post to that exact subject (read <a href="http://theoddmom.blogspot.ca/2012/08/forever-in-grade-1.html" target="_blank">Forever in Grade 1?</a>). <br />
<br />
It was obvious from some of RochelleL's references that she had read at least a few of my posts, and yet this was the picture of me that she had been left with. At first I was really angry, with all kinds of nasty names going through my head. Then I was hurt. How could someone come to that kind conclusion about me? Then I didn't care. I see stupid comments on other people's blogs all the time, so I guess it was just my turn. Then I giggled. If that's what she thinks about me from reading about us, what would she think if she saw us during one of Bear's public meltdowns? Can you imagine the look on her face? Priceless!<br />
<br />
And then I was inspired. People like Rochelle are the reason why we need to keep talking and educating about children's mental illness. I'm beyond caring what Rochelle thinks about me, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let people judge my son.<br />
<br />
For the record, TheODDDad and I frequently receive compliments from complete strangers on just how polite our "tiny terror" is in public. He says <em>please</em> and <em>thank you</em> and even says <em>excuse me</em> when he's walking past someone. My beautiful boy, despite his many challenges, knows how to treat people with respect. And that, Rochelle, is more than I can say about you. He has a mental illness. What's your excuse?Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-62262467753683890912012-11-21T12:42:00.001-05:002012-11-21T12:42:12.995-05:00Love those QuestionsBear seems to have hit a stage where he's asking a lot of questions. He's always been inquisitive, but now his questions are becoming more mature.<br />
<br />
Case in point: There's a dwarf (yes, that is the correct terminology in 2012) who works at our local grocery store. As might be expected of a 7-year-old boy, Bear is intrigued by him. This became rather embarrassing when we'd go to the grocery store because Bear's head would swivel and he'd start to giggle every time he saw him. Despite my best efforts to explain that God creates everyone differently -- some blond, some brunette, some short, some tall -- I still ended up fielding comments like "Did you see him? He's funny!" <br />
<br />
Then came the other day, when Bear casually walked by this gentleman with little more than a glance his way. <br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwQqfUYHdRcgDuc6Ea7oi6irccRY5ew86JfD8xh2jDqMN7ZHOv8oe3_bNpGtm3ZFn994PF_jXFORmeKB5V-8K4TBCoAvW-Uv3L9B-wQFitOG-qb45zHu7G1x7LYWs898jGTRIFkTHi5RM/s1600/crescent+moon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwQqfUYHdRcgDuc6Ea7oi6irccRY5ew86JfD8xh2jDqMN7ZHOv8oe3_bNpGtm3ZFn994PF_jXFORmeKB5V-8K4TBCoAvW-Uv3L9B-wQFitOG-qb45zHu7G1x7LYWs898jGTRIFkTHi5RM/s320/crescent+moon.jpg" width="224" /></a></div>
"<em>YES</em>!!!" I thought to myself as we continued down the aisle. Maybe we had moved on to something more interesting. Wouldn't that be nice?<br />
<br />
Then it came.<br />
<br />
"Mom..." he started with that tone of voice I know so well, the one that means there's a question coming. I groaned inwardly, figuring something highly insensitive was about to voiced.<br />
<br />
"...how does he reach things?" he asked seriously, looking around the store at shelves towering above us.<br />
<br />
You could see the wheels turning in his sweet little head, and my heart swelled with pride at his very mature and logical question.<br />
<br />
"Good question, Bear," I said. "I guess he uses a ladder just like we do when we can't reach something." Bear nodded thoughtfully and then took off in the direction of the toy section, his curiosity satisfied for the moment. <br />
<br />
Then there are times like the other day, when I'm reminded just how young he is.<br />
<br />
"Mom..." he began as he stared out the window at the crescent moon. <br />
<br />
"...if you were on the moon, how would you stay on?" he asked with all the seriousness of a little boy with an incredible imagination. "You'd slide right off, and then how would you get back on?"<br />
<br />
Oh, little Bear...I love how your mind works.Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-19655339545891970532012-11-07T13:49:00.003-05:002012-11-07T13:49:57.994-05:00I Hate McDonald's PlaylandI had an hour with my thoughts yesterday afternoon as I drove Bear to his therapy appointment. Technically, I wasn't alone, but Bear was wrapped up in his movie, so I had time to think. In my mind, I wrote a great blog. I had it all worked out -- what I would write and how I would write it. (You look surprised. What, did you think the blog fairy appears and writes them for me?)<br />
<br />
Then yesterday afternoon happened, and suddenly I had a whole new blog to share with you. Out with the old, in with the new. <br />
<br />
For whatever reason, Bear was just wild yesterday. I knew it before we arrived at therapy and it was pretty obvious when we were there. Despite this, I caved to his whining and took him to McDonald's after our session. We always do something special after therapy, despite the fact that he loves going there. Why am I rewarding him for doing something he already enjoys doing? No clue, but at least we get to spend some one-on-one time together. Normally we go somewhere and play checkers, but yesterday he was dying for McDonald's playland.<br />
<br />
No problem, I thought. He'd play for a while, burn off some energy, and all would be hunky-dory. <em>AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!</em> (For the record, yes, that is maniacal laughter.) When it came time to leave, Bear went into complete ODD mode, which is something we haven't seen in a while. Despite my reasoning, threatening, and pleading, Bear remained in the play structure, knowing full well I couldn't get him in there. Of course, that isn't enough for a child with ODD. His refusal to comply with my reasoning/threatening/pleading was punctuated by name calling that reverberated around the room and by faces made at me through the plexiglass windows of the structure. Someone asked me how old he was, probably figuring I'd say 4 or 5. Her face dropped when I said 7, so I had to launch into the whole ADHD/ODD/mental health explanation.<br />
<br />
I eventually walked away from the structure and hid myself by the door, where Bear couldn't see me. As soon as I disengaged, he snapped out of it. Now came the remorse and the panic, and he came flying around the corner with tears streaming down his face. Just as I would a toddler, I wiped the tears, gave him a snuggle, put on his shoes, helped him into his jacket and mitts, and we walked out of there hand-in-hand, chit-chatting away.<br />
<br />
I'd love to say that was the last of that particular behaviour, but that would be a lie. The name calling came and went all the way home, as did the tears. I even had to pull off the road at one point to comfort him. It continued at Stitch's daycare where, despite knowing better, he ran around the parking lot, dodging cars. With Stitch in my arms, there wasn't a whole lot I could do except holler at him, which only egged him on. Home saw me carrying him into the house, with his arms and legs wrapped around me, as he sobbed on my shoulder. <br />
<br />
I have no idea what the problem was yesterday, but I do know this -- it was bigger than him.<br />
<br />
I know something else, too. We won't be going to McDonald's when Bear's having a bad day ever again. Mommy learned her lesson the hard way.Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-13863018087414036552012-11-05T23:09:00.001-05:002012-11-05T23:09:23.154-05:00My Son, the ETL KidI will never, ever, ever forget the day my gynecologist informed us that we would most likely never have children of our own and that we should start considering other options. Until then, nobody had ever said the dreaded word: infertility. But let's face it, when you're in your early 30s and you've been trying for more than two years to get pregnant, you pretty much jump to that conclusion yourself. <br />
<br />
I remember sitting there, talking to the doctor so very calmly. We discussed IVF and why it wasn't a good fit for us. We discussed further surgery and how it wouldn't likely improve our odds of getting pregnant. We discussed adoption and how that was probably our best bet. And through all this I felt TheODDDad's eyes on me, although I couldn't figure out why. <br />
<br />
I remember smiling and thanking the doctor for all her advice on our way out. I remember holding hands with TheODDDad as we walked back to the car. I remember him opening the car door for me and helping me in. I remember laughing to myself at how gentle he was being with me despite how strong I obviously was. And I remember falling to pieces in the time it took for him to walk around the car and get in the driver's seat. <br />
<br />
The doctor had confirmed what I had figured out a long time before -- that children were not in my future (or so I thought at the time). That I would never know the feeling of lying in bed with TheODDDad's hand on my stomach, feeling our little one move. That I would never have a child with TheODDDad's eyes or smile. And I was devastated.<br />
<br />
Once the tears subsided, self-preservation kicked in. I'm a researcher and a writer, so I knew exactly what I needed to help me through: a book. At the book store I perused the shelves, which only served to make me angrier. It seemed that every book was a "how to" book that offered false hope to desperate women -- how to eat your way to pregnancy, how to exercise your way to pregnancy, how to meditate your way to pregnancy, how to relax your way to pregnancy. And then I found it, the book that would become my lifeline. This book validated everything I was feeling and everything I was going through. It helped me deal with my emotions and gave me tips on talking to friends and family members about what I was going through. It was written by someone who had been through this herself, and it made me realize that I wasn't alone in what I was feeling. And that is what gave me hope. Not hope that I would get pregnant, but hope that I could get through this. That I would be OK. <br />
<br />
One of the lessons I took away from my experiences with infertility is that there is no more powerful feeling than knowing you're not alone in what you're going through. There is also no feeling so alienating as believing yourself not only to be alone in what you're going through but to be responsible for it. As parents of children with mental health issues, that's very often a place where we find ourselves, especially as we begin the journey to understanding our children. We feel alone, trapped, judged, and to blame. And those aren't good feelings.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUZI8yuGrofPhegZ9gtMgjld2UXWCWCpPDmWhdhygWrLiQO5mzDdSEgX6DpG2de8NcDXAaoTpjLRrbloKGPuY_aZoHAFiTWU1fWFVqSFYbvGqoEnLNibONM9CxROPJFujZGfxiO45IAE4/s1600/Easy+to+Love+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUZI8yuGrofPhegZ9gtMgjld2UXWCWCpPDmWhdhygWrLiQO5mzDdSEgX6DpG2de8NcDXAaoTpjLRrbloKGPuY_aZoHAFiTWU1fWFVqSFYbvGqoEnLNibONM9CxROPJFujZGfxiO45IAE4/s1600/Easy+to+Love+cover.jpg" /></a>Recently I was asked to review a book called <em>Easy to Love but Hard to Raise</em>. If you've noticed, I don't review products or take part in give-aways. Not normally, at any rate. But Adrienne Ehlert Bashista and Kay Marner are both writers, bloggers, and mothers like me...like us...so I was interested in reading their book. That, and I got the book for free.<br />
<br />
What I discovered was a book full of stories from parents like me. Real parents. Real stories. Real children. Real laughter. Real tears. Real love. It's not a book that offers false hope to desperate parents -- how to feed your children to "cure" them, how to discipline your children to "cure" them, how to play with your children to "cure" them, how to work with your children to "cure" them. Rather, it's a book that validates everything I've been through and everything I see coming towards me (duck!). That tells me that I'm not alone in this. That tells me that I'm going to be OK. That we're going to be OK. <br />
<br />
And a book like that can be a lifeline.<br />
<br />
If you'd like your own copy of <em>Easy to Love but Hard to Raise</em>, leave me a comment sharing one thing that makes your child easy to love and one thing that makes them hard to raise. The winner will be drawn at random. The contest closes on November 16th. If you can't be bothered to do that, head on over to <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Easy-Love-but-Hard-Raise/dp/1933084154" target="_blank">Amazon</a> to order your own copy.<br />
<br />
[Note: Other than the free book, which I had planned on purchasing anyway, I was in no way compensated for this blog. All opinions are my own. It takes a hell of a lot more than a $13 book to buy me, but go ahead and try.]Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-35392298405248737912012-10-27T10:17:00.001-04:002012-10-27T10:27:11.851-04:00Brand Name vs Generic -- Lessons Learned<br />
The day started off normal enough. Bear was wild, Stitch was into
everything, and I was gritting my teeth as I sorted through our bottles of
medicine so I could give Bear his meds.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Then I stopped dead.<br />
<br />
"Shit!" I muttered under my breath. I don't normally swear in my
blog and I definitely don't normally swear in front of my kids, but realizing
that you've forgotten to refill your child's ADHD meds is one of those times
that brings out the worst in you. And for the record, no one heard me over
Bear. No one can hear anything over Bear in the morning. Hence the profanity.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8d2aCapfTc-CT18uKPe-WxPOxW9wSO9l5EYv7tNKjHa4HzuRLp5P0rGCwyjXwt1W3JbHWJGwYberfyE3xm-myuleaklOqMhfswB4wMCqKmQNvvlW_Qsn_Kypf_vKTq4hNKHKc4NRF-BQ/s1600/generic-drugs_versus-brand-name.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8d2aCapfTc-CT18uKPe-WxPOxW9wSO9l5EYv7tNKjHa4HzuRLp5P0rGCwyjXwt1W3JbHWJGwYberfyE3xm-myuleaklOqMhfswB4wMCqKmQNvvlW_Qsn_Kypf_vKTq4hNKHKc4NRF-BQ/s400/generic-drugs_versus-brand-name.jpg" width="400" /></a>OK, no problem, I thought to myself. Bear and I are on the exact same dosage
of the exact same medication, and I wasn't out of mine. Surely I could spare one in order for my boy to be able to get through his day. Now,
let me be clear -- I don't go around giving people my meds. And I'm not one of
those parents who says "Oh, we're out of children's Advil so I'll just
give him a regular one...should be the same, right?" Again...we are on the
EXACT same dosage of the EXACT same medication. The only difference is that his
doctor specified no substitutions and mine didn't, so he's on the brand name
drug and I'm on the generic drug. Theoretically, these drugs are identical and
fully interchangeable.<br />
<br />
Did you catch the key word in that sentence? <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Theoretically…</i><br />
<br />
Well, they might be theoretically identical, but I can tell you beyond a
shadow of a doubt that there is a huge difference between the two. My
understanding in researching it is that while the active drug is identical, the
time release mechanism is different, and that’s where the problems lie. (Note:
From what I’ve read, this is the situation in <st1:country -region="-region" w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Canada</st1:place></st1:country>. My understanding is that
both the active drug and the time release mechanism are identical in the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country -region="-region" w:st="on">US</st1:country></st1:place>.)<br />
<br />
What followed was one of the worst days that Bear has had in months…and
months…and months. Here are a few highlights: punched someone in the stomach at
school, spontaneous tears on and off all day for no reason (yes, there was a
reason, but you know what I mean), total meltdown because there was no milk for
his chocolate milk, aggression and defiance like I haven’t seen in ages. The
chocolate milk was such an issue that despite the fact that The ODD Dad and I
were both home, I had to call my dad and ask him to go buy us some milk. Bear
was so upset over there not being any milk that he was violent, but he was
violent enough that neither of us could leave to go get the milk – and no
amount of explaining this was sinking in. By the end of the night I was
fighting tears and emotionally exhausted, which is something that hasn’t
happened in a long time.<br />
<br />
So, what did we learn from this experience? Well, first off, I’ll be asking
my doctor to switch me to the brand name drug, which was a valuable lesson. The
unwelcome lesson was that Bear’s meds work so well that we’ve been lulled into
a false sense of security about how well he’s doing. I sometimes feel as if a
huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders and as if it’s going to be
relatively smooth sailing from here on in. Then a day like this comes along,
and I realize just how severe our poor little guy’s problems still are. Right
now, rather than feeling good about how well his meds work (and yes, I’m very
grateful for them), I feel as if I’m waiting for the proverbial “other shoe” to
drop – the day his meds stop working.<br />
<br />
Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-11944088939802738932012-10-15T23:04:00.004-04:002012-10-18T12:05:27.713-04:008 Tips for Surviving your Child’s ADHD without Losing your Mind or your Sense of HumourThis week is ADHD Awareness Week, which seems an appropriate time to share my thoughts on surviving your child's ADHD. Granted, Bear is only 7 and we have a long way to go, but I think these tips can help no matter where you are in the journey. (For the record, I started this post days ago, but my own ADHD kind of got in the way and I ended up doing 23 other things instead.)<br />
<br />
If you have a child with ADHD, then you know that there are days where you would not only happily sell your child to the highest bidder but might even be enticed to giving them away for free.<br />
<br />
When Bear was first diagnosed, it was a relief. This wasn’t our fault. We weren’t bad parents. We weren’t to blame. There was something bigger than us at work here, and now we had to figure out what to do about it. <br />
<br />
My instinct has always been to approach things with a sense of humour. If I can’t make it go away, I may as well have a little fun with it. It’s how I cope. Now that’s not to say I don’t allow myself to wallow every now and then or that I don’t take things seriously. I do, but my slightly warped sense of humour allows me to find the funny in some of the stuff we deal with. Thank God, cause we’ve dealt with a lot and while things are going really well right now, I know we have a lot of new challenges ahead of us.<br />
<br />
So, how <em>do </em>you survive in the face of your child’s ADHD? <br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>1) Allow yourself to grieve</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
If you haven’t already done so, allow yourself to grieve. What are you grieving? The loss of the normal life you thought you’d have. The loss of the easy life that other people have with their kids. Your life will be full of challenges that other parents don’t have to face, and it’s OK to be upset about that. You and your child will probably face some tough times, and it’s OK to be upset about that too. Your child is full of potential, but there are obstacles that they will have to face to reach it. Life for us is different. My son didn’t set foot in a grocery store for probably about three years. Now he can come in if we’re just running in for a few things, but that’s about the extent of his patience and his attention span. And that’s with medication! That said, I can remember the first time I took him into Walmart after starting his meds. I would never have brought him with me, except we had to buy a present for the birthday party he was on his way to. We chose a toy and when we got to the front of the store, there was a long line-up at every cash. I wanted to cry. I nearly put the stuff down and left, but we were already running late so I couldn’t. So we got in line, and there he stood. And he waited. And he stood. And he waited. And he talked to me. And he asked if he could go look at something “just there.” And then he came back and stood with me again. And I wanted to cry again, but this time it was tears of joy because my son was able to function in a store for the first time in his life. <br />
<br />
Whatever you do, don’t let anyone tell you to get over it, it’s only ADHD. It’s not only ADHD. It’s ADHD, and only someone who doesn’t know anything about it will tell you it’s “only ADHD.” Is it life threatening? No, not in the way cancer is. But is it life altering? Yes, it certainly can be. Now, keep in mind that ADHD, like everything else, exists on a continuum. Some people have mild ADHD and will find their own ways to cope, but others, like my son, have severe ADHD that affects every single aspect of their lives. Studies have shown that 1/3 of kids with ADHD either drop out of high school or delay graduation. They also shown that anywhere between 25% and 40% of the prison population worldwide have ADHD. Given the fact that ADHD causes impulse control issues, anger issues, learning issues, social issues, these statistics shouldn't surprise us. So go on...I dare you to tell me that it’s “only ADHD.”<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong>2) Let go of the guilt and the shame</strong><br />
<br />
Let me be very clear about this. ADHD is a brain-based disorder that you are born with. It is not caused by bad parenting. It may not be helped by bad parenting, but it is definitely not caused by it. So you need to let go of any guilt you may be harbouring about it.<br />
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You also need to embrace the fact that ADHD is a medical condition just like any other medical condition. And like any medical condition, it often best treated by a combination of medication, diet, and therapy. Some parents feel guilty about giving their kids meds, and I totally get that given that even papers like the NY Times and the National Post have published articles in recent months about ADHD being made up. The way I look at it is that my son has a medical condition that needs medicine to treat it and to be able to fully function in his life. If he had diabetes and needed insulin, I would give it to him, right? So why is this different? Yes, there are potential side-effects of ADHD meds, but there are guaranteed side-effects of <strong>not</strong> medicating my son.<br />
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You also need to embrace the fact that whereas some people’s children have seizures, ours have behavioural problems. The issue there is that behavioural problems can stem from a disorder like ADHD or they can stem from being a brat. And to the outside world, it can be difficult to tell them apart. Dealing with a child who is having a meltdown in public or who is cursing you up and down in front of other people can be extremely stressful. So the way I see it, we have two choices. We can either completely avoid public places or we can refuse to feel embarrassed. I do a little of both. I tend not to put us in situations where I know there’s the likelihood of a meltdown, like the grocery store. But if we do happen to be somewhere and we run into a problem, I refuse to let it get the better of me. Sometimes you have to repeat something to yourself like “I’m not a bad mother” or “my son has a mental illness.” Whatever works for you.<br />
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<strong>3) Learn about ADHD so you understand why your child acts the way they do</strong><br />
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Learning about ADHD was one of the most important things I did. Bear's behaviour made a whole lot more sense once I understood how his ADHD affects his brain. Suddenly I was able to see him as a little boy who was reacting to a world that didn’t make sense to him or that was too much for him to process rather than an angry child who was doing his best to drive me nuts. Because doesn’t it just feel that way sometimes? I realized that his meltdowns were more of a cry for help than anything, and understanding that he couldn’t control his behaviour helped me to be more patient with him. That’s not to say there aren’t consequences for behaviour or that he isn’t held accountable, because he is, but I no longer take it personally.<br />
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It also helped me to let go of the embarrassment I felt about his behaviour. Because let’s face it, having a child with ADHD, especially if they have another accompanying condition, can be downright embarrassing.<br />
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You know what one of the major results was of our understanding our son’s ADHD? The yelling stopped. The atmosphere in our house changed. Because when you think your child is being deliberately disrespectful or purposely ignoring your directions, you tend to get mad. It’s normal. And when it happens day after day after day after day, you might start to lose your temper. I honestly didn’t even know I had a temper until we had kids -- or Bear, to be more specific. I used to be so proud of the fact that nothing rattled me. Things just rolled off my back. Then we had Bear, and soon I was screaming like a banshee. At bedtime TheODDDad used to go around and close the windows so that no one could hear me yelling. Same thing at bath time. There was never, ever, anything relaxing or even enjoyable about bath time.<br />
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So, here's a little ADHD 101 for those of you who are new to this or haven't had a chance to read up on it yet.<br />
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Imaging studies (so MRIs, and things like that) have proven that the brains of people with ADHD don’t work the same way that the “normal” brain works ("neurotypical" is the correct term, but I still like "normal"). The area in question is the frontal lobe, which regulates our ability to control emotions and impulse. As the clinical psychologist who first diagnosed our son explained, children with ADHD tend to be about 2-3 years behind their friends emotionally. So that means that my 6.5 year old actually has the emotional maturity of a 3.5 year old. But what does that mean, exactly? Picture a 3.5 year old who’s getting frustrated because things aren’t going his way. How does he react? Well, maybe he’s at a point where he can work through it sometimes. But not all the time. Maybe he still throws a tantrum. Maybe he gets aggressive. And that’s to be expected, because he’s still barely more than a toddler and he hasn’t yet learned to regulate his emotions. But take a 6.5 year old exhibiting the same behaviour, and you have a problem.<br />
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Children with ADHD have problems in school and in social settings. They have poor impulse control, leading them to act inappropriately and often causing them to lash out physically. They often have trouble making/keeping friends, and one reason is they often have difficulty reading social cues (facial expressions, tone of voice, etc). One expert likened it to living your life always communicating through email. You know how many misunderstandings arise from email! The emoticon was created just for that! If you think this sounds a lot like high-functioning autism or Aspergers, you’d be right. There are so many similarities in behaviour that a diagnosis of autism needs to be ruled out for a proper diagnosis of ADHD. Not only that, they often go hand-in-hand, so a child might have both autism and ADHD.<br />
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You know what else kids with ADHD have? A Teflon brain. At least that’s how it was explained to me. Nothing sticks. It is the classic “in one ear, out the other” situation. One of the main areas affected by ADHD is called working memory. Working memory is where we store information in the short term in order to use it. It’s how we remember to do things. So the “I told you 10 times to set the table!!!!” scenario where they then look at you as if it’s the first time they’re hearing this? That’s because it really is kind of like the first time they’re hearing it because they’ve already forgotten the first 10.<br />
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Working memory is also what helps us with the use of time and time management, which is why people with ADHD are often late for appointments and deadlines and ill-prepared for upcoming activities. So the “You’ve known about this assignment for three weeks and you’re just starting it the night before it’s due!?” argument, to which they usually answer “Well…I forgot.”? That’s why it happens!<br />
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So when you start to recognize why your child does – or doesn’t do – the things he or she does, it starts to make more sense. And rather than getting mad and thinking your child is just lazy or disorganized, you can take a step back and see it as a symptom of the ADHD. And that’s liberating. How much nicer is it to be able to say “Wow…he really struggles with time management. We’ll have to work with him on that and help him put some strategies in place that will work for him” as opposed to “I just don’t understand him. He doesn’t take school seriously at all. He’s incredibly lazy, never gets his work done on time, always forgets his books at school, and it doesn’t matter how many times I remind him!” One is a helpful thought, and one places blame where, quite frankly, it doesn’t belong. <br />
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The same thing applies to all the disorders that can go hand-in-hand with ADHD. In our case, it’s ODD, anxiety, and SPD. If you didn’t already know this, ADHD is very often accompanied by other disorders, whether it’s ODD, anxiety, depression, bi-polar, autism…and the list goes on. Bear's conditions, especially the ODD, result in extremely hostile, defiant, aggressive, and sometimes even violent behaviour. When he’s throwing things at my head and screaming how much he hates me, it’s helpful to be able to remember that this is his illness speaking. There is normally something that has set him off and he’s reacting in the only way he knows how, basically because his coping skills didn’t develop any further. <br />
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<strong>4) Try to find the good</strong><br />
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I realized early one that some of the very behaviours that drive me nuts are also the ones that make my Bear so much fun. Bear feels everything “big,” so the highs are really high and the lows are really low. That can drive you nuts, when every little molehill becomes an insurmountable mountain that requires screaming and yelling and tears. Mostly his, sometimes mine. But that emotional impulsivity is also what drives him to run through a room calling out “I love you, Mommy!!!” as he barrels past. He’s liable to just about knock me over with a hug at any given moment – when he isn’t trying to throw something at me.<br />
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<strong>5) Do things differently</strong><br />
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You may also need to learn to do things differently. As parents we tend to get locked into a certain way of doing things, and then we get upset when our kids can’t fit into that rut. For example, we tried going to the Santa Claus parade a few years in a row, and each year it was hellish. Everyone knows that you’re supposed stand there for ½ hour and wait patiently for the parade to come. Then you’re supposed to stand there and <em>ooo</em> and <em>aaaaahhhh</em> while all the floats and marching bands go by. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but kids with ADHD aren’t really all that good at standing. Or waiting. And they’re especially not good at doing both at the same time. But think about it…do you <em>really</em> have to stand in one place to watch a parade? Granted, you have to stake out a good spot when you’re at the Toronto Santa Claus parade, but that really isn’t the case where we live. So why not plan to walk the parade route? It’s a heck of a lot easier than fighting with your kids to stay in one place.<br />
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<strong>6) Look at yourself and look at your child’s other parent – who has the ADHD?</strong><br />
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No one knows what actually causes ADHD, but they do know that there is an extremely strong genetic component. What this means is that if a child has ADHD, there’s a good chance that one of the parents has it as well. So, which one of you is it? In our case, it’s actually both of us. Why is this important to know? Because it’s entirely possible that your ADHD symptoms are making it even harder for your child to manage theirs. Say one of your main problems is that you are chronically late, so you are constantly trying to rush your kids. “Turn off the TV,” you yell to your child who doesn’t deal well with transitions. He ignores you. You’re now even later, and even though you know darn well that turning off the TV is going to cause him to blow, you do it anyway because you need to get going. But now he’s melting down, you’re getting angrier because just once you wish he could do one simple thing, and it continues to escalate. So who's the problem here?<br />
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<strong>7) Look after yourself</strong><br />
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You have to look after yourself and take help when and where it’s offered. Raising a child with ADHD is incredibly difficult. It can be both mentally and physically exhausting. Sometimes it can feel like being in an abusive relationship, especially if your child has ODD, which ours does. The divorce rate among parents with a child under the age of eight who has ADHD is twice that of regular couples. I guess after eight it goes down or they figure you’re in for the long haul, because it goes down to normal after that. Not being on the same page when it comes to how to handle your child can be devastating to a marriage. If you need it, seek help. <br />
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I’ve had to swallow my pride and ask my mother-in-law for help. My ADHD really shows up in my ability to keep a clean house and to deal with clutter. She, on the other hand, makes Molly Maid look messy. She loves to clean, and after many times of her offering, I’ve finally taken her up on her offer to help me. It’s made a huge difference for me. If someone says “tell me what I can to help,” think of something! Ask them to watch the kids so you can go to library by yourself or go get a cup of coffee with a friend. You need to look after your own mental health because without it, you won’t be able to look after your child's.<br />
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<strong>8) Find a support network</strong><br />
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The last thing on my list is that you need to find a support network. Having a child with ADHD can be very lonely and very alienating. But you’re not alone. There are some great online websites and blogs where you can get to know other people from around the world who are in the same boat. They cry on each other’s shoulders and they applaud each others’ successes.<br />
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These are the things that have worked for me. Everyone’s different, so you have to find your own copying mechanisms, but I hope I’ve at least given you some ideas to think about. Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com469tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-76775443234361382012012-10-03T22:42:00.002-04:002012-10-03T22:47:32.704-04:00Let's Give Them Something to Talk AboutIt's Mental Health Awareness Week in Canada, and it's a great opportunity to get the conversation going. As parents, we're so very hesitant to share with people that our children have mental health problems. But why is that? <br /><br />For one thing, we're afraid that they won't understand. Fair enough, they might not. But how is not talking about it going to help change that?<br /><br />Secondly, we're afraid people might judge us or our children. Another good point. But let's be honest here -- children with mental illnesses that manifest outwardly in bad behaviour simply look like brats to the outside world and we, their parents, look lazy and negligent. Ergo, we're already being judged. So once again, how is not talking about it going to help? <br /><br />Third, the term "mental illness" is pretty damn scary. It calls to mind the mental institutions of old and images of sociopaths and other people society says we should be afraid of. But are those images accurate, or are we buying into the very stigma we need to fight? <br /><br />The fact remains that 1 in 5 children will suffer from a mental illness at some point, and not talking about it isn't going to make it go away. What it will do, however, is continue to alienate them and the people who love them. <br /><br />Ask yourself this. If 1 in 5 children has a mental illness, why do so many parents feel alone? Answer? Because nobody talks about it.<br /><br />So here's what I'm proposing. What if rather than hiding from it, we talked about it? What if rather than being embarrassed about it, we educated people about it? What if rather than complaining about it, we did something about it? <br /><br />As scary as it can be,I don’t think we’re going to change the perception of mental illness unless we embrace it.<br /><br />Who's with me?<br /><br /> <br /><br /> Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-27527117350107742022012-09-13T09:58:00.002-04:002012-09-13T09:58:43.758-04:00Things That Go KABOOM!!! in the NightJust when I think things are going smoothly, something goes kaboom. Or perhaps I should say someone goes kaboom. Specifically, Bear goes kaboom.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>KABOOM!!!</strong></span><br />
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These episodes come on suddenly, and we're never quite sure what causes them. We know from experience that there's always a trigger, but we also know that his out-of-control behaviour could be a reaction to something that happened hours before, something that Bear doesn't even realize bothered him.<br />
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Tonight's rage resulted in Bear putting a second hole in his door. Why? Because I said it was too late for him to go play in the backyard. Once upon a time I knew to steel myself for a meltdown when I denied a request, but those days are few and far between now. Maybe we have the meds to thank for that. Maybe it's a maturity factor. Most likely it's a combination of both. <br />
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The fact is that I used to know what was coming, and there was a certain amount of comfort in that. But now when these episodes occur, I feel as if I've been blindsided. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>KABOOM!!!</strong></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Marvin the Martian wouldn't need to complain if he lived at my house.</span></div>
<br />Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-24288164310723842312012-09-04T11:35:00.004-04:002012-09-04T11:35:53.906-04:00Help from Unexpected PlacesHaving a child with special needs, whether physical or emotional, can be incredibly alienating. All too often since starting my blog I've heard from parents, mostly moms, who feel alone on this journey. They often have no one to talk to, no one to rely on for help and comfort, no one to laugh and cry with -- no one who understands. Friends drop away, family members judge, schools criticize, and marriages crumble. The stories are heartbreaking.<br />
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But every now and then someone comes along who reaches out to us, often unexpectedly, to tell us it's all going to be OK. Today's "reach out" moment is brought to you by Elizabeth Aquino, blogger at <a href="http://elizabethaquino.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">a moon, worn as if it had been a shell.</a> <br />
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Just to warn you...I watched this video with tears streaming down my face.<br />
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<em>Note: This video was shared with me by someone who has reached out her hand in friendship and support. Thank you, Kiki, for being my "help from unexpected places."</em>Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-7882391991049198962012-08-29T10:18:00.002-04:002012-08-29T10:18:28.601-04:00Speaking Engagement -- I Am Not a Bad Kid!!!I'm honoured to have been asked by the Diocese of Ontario of the Anglican Church to give a presentation in Kingston, Ontario, on September 15th. Actually, I'm giving it in conjunction with my minister, the Rev. Dr. Barbara Robinson, who has been instrumental in creating a warm and inviting environment for Bear and our family at our church. She is the mother of a child like Bear, although he's an adult now, so she has the ability to look at the challenge of integrating special needs children into the church from a really interesting perspective. If you are in the area, I invite you to come join in the conversation. <br />
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Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-58794417506509549002012-08-28T13:16:00.000-04:002012-08-28T13:16:32.190-04:00Confessions of a Negligent MotherThis morning, right after dropping Bear off for his first day of school, Stitch and I headed to the doctor. Stitch is almost 2 1/2 years old, and a real little ball of happy toddler energy. Like all little boys, he loves to run and jump and climb. He's full of mischief and curiosity, the mischief usually a direct result of the curiosity. He thrives on "huggles" (half hug, half snuggle) and kisses, and falls asleep every night with my arm wrapped around his middle, his little bum tucked into my abdomen. He scrambles out of bed in the morning with a smile on his face, and that smile rarely leaves for the rest of the day. Toddler tantrums are best handled by poking him in the tummy, which normally provokes fits of giggles. <br />
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From the moment he was born, we knew Stitch was different from his big brother. As he's gotten older, we've become more and more sure about that. He just goes with the flow, without a care in the world. It's magical...<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">sun + sand + water = happy toddler</span></div>
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So why, then, did today find us at the doctor, catching up on immunizations that he should have had two years ago? Because I'm negligent? Some might say so. Because I'm stupid? Some might say so. Because I'm gullible? Some might say so. Or because I was terrified of having to watch my beautiful, bright baby boy disappear before my eyes? I'd say so.<br />
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In my real life I'm a writer, editor, and public speaker. That means I know how to research the heck out of any topic I'm interested in, and I do. Some people dream in technicolour...I dream in Google. So yes, I'm perfectly well aware that the link between autism and children's immunizations has been debunked. On the other hand, I'm also well aware of all the anecdotal evidence from parents who are certain that their child's autism is directly linked to their immunizations, specifically the MMR vaccine. <br />
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It was with great trepidation that I had Bear immunized when he was a baby, but I did. The logical side of me knew that the risks posed by not having him immunized outweighed any possible risk from the immunizations, but the emotional side of me was terrified nonetheless. I watched him like a hawk for weeks afterwards, but there were no signs of autism. I breathed a sigh of relief.<br />
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But as he started getting older, he started to exhibit more and more behavioural challenges. At 4 1/2 years old, he was finally diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. By that time he was out of control -- aggressive to the point of violence at home, unable to function at school, constantly being sent home, unable to participate in any extracurricular activities or weekend fun -- and we were overwhelmed. Stitch was a whopping two months old when Bear was diagnosed, and all my Mommy protective instincts went into overdrive for both my babies.<br />
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At that time, I felt like I was barely clinging to my sanity. Bear's violent outbursts were constant, to the point that we installed a lock on Stitch's door so that we had somewhere safe to put him, out of the line of fire. We walked around on eggshells, terrified of provoking an outburst. Would this be the one where someone got hurt? We rarely left the house as a family, and dreaded anything we couldn't get out of. The future looked bleak both for Bear and for our family, and I felt like I couldn't handle any more.<br />
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Stitch received his first round of immunizations, the ones I knew were safe, but we stopped there. The next round included the controversial MMR vaccine, and this time the emotional side of me won out. I just couldn't take that risk...I just couldn't handle any more...so I put it off...and off...and off...<br />
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Now here we are, two years later, catching up on Stitch's immunizations. Today's vaccinations included the MMR vaccine, which the logical side of my brain tells me is safe. The logical side of my brain also tells me that if the vaccine does play a part in the autism story, at least Stitch is older and his brain is considerably more developed that it would have been two years ago. The emotional side of me, however, is going to be watching him like a hawk. Forever.<br />
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Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-23000692465008112022012-08-27T11:25:00.004-04:002012-08-27T11:25:26.387-04:00Back to School and the Alphabet-Soup ParentTomorrow is back-to-school day for Bear, and I have a headache. No, really. I have a headache. Granted, I get a lot of headaches, but I'm pretty sure the fact that I have a knot in my stomach as well means that my headache is stress induced.<br />
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Why so stressed, you ask? Um...did you miss the part about tomorrow being the first day of school?<br />
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Going back to school can be difficult for any kid, but it is especially difficult for kids who don't deal well with change. For kids like Bear, who have conditions like ADHD, ODD, SPD, ASD, or anxiety, the first day of school (or week, or month...) can be pretty traumatic. A new classroom, a new teacher, new sounds, new smells, new people in your class, old friends not in your class, a new desk, new rules, new work, new expectations -- these things aren't sources of excitement for kids who fear change. Rather, they are a source of major stress, and stress tends to manifest outwardly in behaviour problems.<br />
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So what can parents of alphabet-soup kids (kids with ADHD, ODD, SPD, ASD, etc...) expect on the first day of school? We never know, and that's the source of <em>our</em> anxiety. Perhaps there will be meltdowns at home, before school. Or perhaps all will go well until we get to school, at which point the dam will burst and all that fear will come out. Or perhaps we'll get a phone call half-way through the day, asking us to come get our overwhelmed and out-of-control child. Or perhaps he'll manage to keep it together until he walks in the front door after school when, safe at last, the slightest trigger will set off a major incident. Or perhaps the first few days or weeks will go fine, lulling us into a false sense of security, until <em>something</em> -- that dreaded, unexpected <em>something</em> -- sets her off, releasing all the stress the poor little thing has been building up.<br />
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As parents of special needs children, we know something is coming...something bad...but we don't know what or when. That's why parents of alphabet-soup kids dread school starting up again. Can you blame us?<br />
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So what can other parents, teachers, family members do to help? I found some advice on <a href="http://four-sea-stars.blogspot.ca/" target="_blank">Four Sea Stars</a> that, although it refers specifically to autism, is appropriate for all our special-needs kids.<br />
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I promise to smile at you if you promise to smile at me.<br />
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Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5187108381878434006.post-16940737000509533982012-08-20T11:58:00.001-04:002012-08-20T11:59:23.859-04:00To Bee or Not To BeeAs I type this, TheODDDad is outside lopping the heads of my sedum plants, just as they're starting to bloom. <br />
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Plop.<br />
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Plop.<br />
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Plop.<br />
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As the beautiful flowers fall to the ground, bees and butterflies all around the neighbourhood are crying out in distress. OK, that might be a slight exaggeration since I don't know if bees and butterflies actually have feelings, but you get my point.<br />
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Every year my sedum plants are abuzz (sorry for the pun, but I had to) with activity, and every year I pat myself on the back for supplying a safe haven for our winged friends. The fact that I don't have to do anything to the plants except, well, not dig them up, doesn't dampen my sense of pride.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">This beauty was hanging out on my sedums last fall.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Then his buddies joined him...and therein lies the problem.</span></div>
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Then came this year.<br />
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This year I went to TheODDDad and instructed him to behead my precious flowers, the very ones I look forward to seeing every year. I know...you're asking why I would do such a crazy thing. I'm glad you asked.<br />
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Bear has always been slightly afraid of bees and other bugs that sting, but no more than the average bear. (Sorry...It must be the Kahlua I put in my coffee this morning...<em>kidding!!!</em>) For whatever reason, that slight fear morphed into a major problem this spring, although we have no idea why. At one point it was so bad that Bear wouldn't leave the house unless someone walked out first to check for offending bugs. If we were going somewhere in the van, he would wait inside the house while I went out and opened his door, at which point he would dash out and jump into the van.<br />
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"<strong>CLOSE THE DOOR!!!!</strong>" he'd shriek if there was the slightest pause between him jumping in and the door closing behind him.<br />
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Sometimes playing outside with his friends provided enough of a distraction to allow him to forget his fear for a few minutes, but other times he'd end up running into the house sobbing because he had seen a shadow that may or may not have belonged to a bee. The worst was when he would want to come in the house but spotted a bee (or wasp...or hornet...or other stinging/non-stinging bug that may or may not have been a stinging bug...) near the door. He'd run into the middle of the street (quiet street, thank goodness) where he'd stand, calling my name in panic. If I didn't respond, I'd find him still standing there a few minutes later, sobbing and shaking, still calling me in desperation.<br />
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"Why didn't you come when I called you?" he'd demand accusingly through his sobs. "You were ignoring me!!!!" My explanation that I hadn't heard him or had been busy with Stitch never seemed to be good enough. All he knew was that I hadn't come when he needed me. It was heartbreaking. <br />
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We did everything we could this summer to help him conquer his phobia, even resorting to a couple of sessions of hypnotherapy to see if that would work. Unfortunately, Bear was a less-than-cooperative hypnosis subject, so it didn't seem to help much. The therapist had to try to go in through the back door of Bear's subconscious, but I think it was shut as tight as the front door. Guess this shouldn't be too surprising for a kid with ODD.<br />
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Back to the sedums. We didn't plant any flowers this year so as not to make life any more difficult for Bear than it already is, but there was still the matter of the sedums. Sedums are a perennial that flower in the early fall, and the flowers last right through until October. The fact that they're just steps from both the front door and the side door means they have the potential to cause real havoc...so they must go.<br />
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I hated to have to do it because I really love watching the butterflies and the bees, but in this house it's Bears before bees. <br />
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Maybe we'll be able to welcome them back next year.Laura Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05313523730829470674noreply@blogger.com5