Every now and then, I'm reminded of just how important it is to keep speaking out about children's mental health, even if it's just to friends and family.
This morning I found a bitchy comment on one of my posts, which is a first for me. I'd love to share it with you, but I deleted it by accident. I swear it was an accident! I was so flustered as the first words assaulted my eyes that I accidentally deleted it instead of opening it. Trust me, it would have been way more fun to have left it there and let you guys go to town!
In a nutshell, RochelleL (yes, she left her name) slammed me as a negligent mother who is "pleased" with herself for having "helped create a tiny terror," a kid who has "trained mommy." The reason Bear is repeating grade 1 is all my fault because, after all, what kind of mother would allow her child to miss 60+ days of school. Gee, thanks for pointing that out, RochelleL. It isn't as if I wrote an entire post to that exact subject (read Forever in Grade 1?).
It was obvious from some of RochelleL's references that she had read at least a few of my posts, and yet this was the picture of me that she had been left with. At first I was really angry, with all kinds of nasty names going through my head. Then I was hurt. How could someone come to that kind conclusion about me? Then I didn't care. I see stupid comments on other people's blogs all the time, so I guess it was just my turn. Then I giggled. If that's what she thinks about me from reading about us, what would she think if she saw us during one of Bear's public meltdowns? Can you imagine the look on her face? Priceless!
And then I was inspired. People like Rochelle are the reason why we need to keep talking and educating about children's mental illness. I'm beyond caring what Rochelle thinks about me, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let people judge my son.
For the record, TheODDDad and I frequently receive compliments from complete strangers on just how polite our "tiny terror" is in public. He says please and thank you and even says excuse me when he's walking past someone. My beautiful boy, despite his many challenges, knows how to treat people with respect. And that, Rochelle, is more than I can say about you. He has a mental illness. What's your excuse?
I've had family members, including my very own husband (whom the doctor just about slapped when he said it!), say that I made my daughter "that way", by staying home and spoiling her too much. If I had got a job she wouldn't be like this. And often times was from a cousin who's daughter is on the very same medication for very same thing!!!!! But her docotr just gives the stuff out like candy and told her it was herbal, so there's no comparison between her child and mine, of course. Sometimes I just want to be my like my daughter and release all my fury in a melt down on people who don't believe. But now that my husband finally does, I'm like you and I don't care what others think anymore. We know we did the right thing and we will continue to advocate for children's mental health.
ReplyDeleteI would absolutely welcome anyone to walk in our shoes for one month. People have mentioned that I need to "make" my son do (fill in the blank). He's 10. I'm 5'1 and 105 pounds. He's got ODD and ADHD. Exactly, HOW do I "make" him do anything?!?! As far as your child missing so much school, I think you've pretty much covered that in previous posts - and it was pretty clear to me that it's not because you just didn't feel like dealing with him that day. Hang in there, Momma - there are always going to be people that are happy to tell you what your problem is so that they can take their mind off their own.
ReplyDeletegood for you! Be strong and carry on!!
ReplyDeleteThat sucks. I often think about you and what a really great, kind, funny, intelligent person you are and that for me is proof that you get what you get in terms of kids. You don't get to choose their temperament. I often beat myself up about having created an 'out of control kid' - I mean my husband and I are pretty strong personalities and we could definitely work on improving our own emotional regulation at times - but I know that isn't the whole story. My daughter was pretty unique from the day she was born: long overdue, in distress and screaming bloody murder. The screaming didn't stop for 5 months. The midwives called her 'cross'. Her grandparents said she definitely knew her own mind. She was 'the girl with the curl'. I read every book and tried every approach we could find but we just couldn't seem to help her. It was tearing our family apart. Then I read your post about ODD and thought 'That sounds just like my daughter but she only ever does that at home. She's an angel at school.' Then early this year it spilled over into school for the first time - a 45 minute meltdown in front of the principal's office - and no one even tried to help. Her very young and inexperienced teacher walked right past us! The next day I went to our pediatrician and shared the story I'd been embarrassed to tell (she'd already been diagnosed with cyclical vomiting and anxiety). I mean, I'm a teacher, I know how to discipline a class of crazy teenage boys, how could I not help my own 5 year old daughter? Long story short, we now see an amazing child psychologist who has made so much progress with her. I like to think that all the hard work we're doing now will pay off later. And some of the parents who aren't experiencing challenges now will at a different stage in their child's development. Keep up the great work, Laura. You tell it like it is and anyone who can't relate is probably reading the wrong blog.
ReplyDeleteMJ xoxo
I cannot tell you how timely finding your blog is for me. I am you. I am dealing with an adhd/odd five year old boy and the people who i need their support the most, they have repeatedly told me.... today even....after a meltdown of his (and mine... from sheer exhasution of emotional resources) that I am doing everything wrong, and they i need to be better.
ReplyDeleteI am a teacher. I know how to deal with a class of 23 unruly kindergarteners.... how am I failing so deeply with my own son?!
Today has been a tough day. Most days are. But despite, I am the positive shiny person that everyone but my family seems to see.
Thank you for blogging. From the bottom of my heart.
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ReplyDeleteWe (your readers) are the ones who are walking the miles in the same shoes as you, You are inspirational to us and give us the courage and motivation to keep on doing the best we can for these kids. Through your blogs we know we are not alone. We have enough to deal with without having to deal with such narrow minded people. You are a wonderful mum and I am a wonderful mum and God knows its not easy!
ReplyDeleteAMEN!! I love the fact that I'm NOT the only one with That Kid. The one that still puts things in his mouth, and touches everything in site, and has a complete meltdown over random things that most people wouldn't lose a minute's sleep over.
ReplyDeleteThere is always one rotten apple in the bunch. I'm glad that you're not letting some rude commenter detract you from writing. You are helping out so many people by writing. I've never met you but I do know that you are a good mom.
ReplyDeleteSomething that has stuck with me since I read it in a book was all we did was have sex (husband and I). We didn't stand in the wrong line or forget to allow the car ahead of us merge..all we did was have sex.
ReplyDeleteWhen I get really hard on myself and the guilt is overwhelming I take a minute and remember that all we did was have sex.
And people are more than welcome to their own opinion and sometimes you just scream "la la la la" when they're talking to you. LOL
-Apryl
I think I might have a child with ODD and I would love if you could email me more about getting help chill5161@gmail.com thank you so much
ReplyDeleteA six year old is a little kid. Little. Small enough to physically carry into a first grade classroom.
ReplyDeleteSmall children need bedtimes. Small children, even NT ones, do not like bedtimes. Parents are responsible for enforcing bedtimes.
Letting a kid skip 60 days of first grade? Straight-up negligence. Bordering on neglect.
You don't blame YOURSELF for him missing all those days??? You should. A six year old cant get himself to school. You just couldn't be bothered.
(Split Grade 1-2 class? You do know that Bear's classmates will realize he's been held back??)
I see this comment was made years ago, but still want to say: Did you not read the author's articles? You should read them again. She did physically drag him to school tons of times. Days he missed? Was she at the spa? God no, there was a reason for each and every day, a battle being fought each time. If her kid had a physical illness like cancer would you give her crap because he missed school for chemo? Mental illnesses are real, and create real challenges (What year is this, don't people know this concept yet?). You straight up just told this mom that she "should blame herself" for those challenges. That was bad, and you should feel bad, Kiki. Last thing: who even cares what his classmates think? (since when was "worry about what others think of you" ever good advice? Bloody hell girl.) What we care about is Bear. We care about supporting his Mom. And she will bravely soldier on.
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